Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Send Me Your Bunny Horror Stories

Here's a short list of all the cute, fuzzy creatures that I believe to be evil. Squirrels (that should go without saying), hamsters, guinea pigs, groundhogs, and bunnies. I was planning to focus my attention on groundhogs today. (Since tomorrow is February 2--the dreaded Groundhog Day.) But then I came across a terrifying story in the Wall Street Journal.

As you may know, Thursday is China's Lunar New Year. Over a billion people will be welcoming the Year of the Rabbit. And it seems most of that billion have celebrated by purchasing bunnies. WITH DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES.

Take the tale of Ms. Li Keija. She was recently given a rabbit, which she named Xiao San. That's when the horror began . . .

In the first few weeks after Xiao San arrived, Ms. Li's life was turned upside down. The rabbit gnawed through the 26-year-old Beijing-native's cable-TV cords, devoured her shoes and ate a résumé. Ms. Li, a customer-relations manager at a restaurant, found herself forking over money from a modest paycheck to buy new equipment and gloves to protect her fingers.

So please, whatever you do, don't let a bunny near your resume, your cable cords, your fingers, or your soul.

UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!!! Video evidence that bunnies are, in fact, evil! Thanks, S! (BTW, I'm a long time fan of this artist/animator. I own the evil squirrel t-shirt!)

Tune in tomorrow for groundhog-related terror.


Anonymous said...

I once had a guinea pig. I think I accidently poisoned it...

Anonymous said...

I have a bunny and he ate through the entire internet system once.

Chloe said...

At my camp we had bunnies at Animal Farm. Basically every camper gave each bunny a different name soooo they didn't really answer when we called them. BUT there were some bunnies who misbehaved. One of my camp friends called a bunny, "Emo Bunny" b/c it scratched her on her wrist and such. she laughed it off though.

Anonymous said...

I hate it when the adolescent squirrels and rabbits come out of their burrows. They're ALL over the Rose Canyon Bike Path at the early hours of, like, 4:15 AM. Now the sun is out and it's warmer, I have no idea how much Grand Mayhem Rodent I'm going to have to doge on the way home.

I expect a bumper crop of snakes for 2012.

Robert in San Diego (on the early shift)

The 355 said...

My three friends run a rabbit farm... Not to mention plot bunnies! :O then there is my friend Alex who got a gerbil two weeks later it gave birth, he only has one gerbil. Turns out he isn't actually a she! Then with my Friend Carolyn Partner in VP rabbit farm her Rabbit Abby ate her children earning her the nickname hannibal! The father finn ran into the wall one to many times, and her other Rabbit Juliet keeps giving off false pregnancies!

Anonymous said...

I had Gerbils. They lived about four years.
Yeah. They were boring. Escaped a few times and what not, but nothing text book evil.
Oh well.

Anonymous said...

only bunny horror story that comes to mind is bunnicula. i do have a story about a squirrel though, but i think i've shared it before. also one about hamsters, which i may have also shared before. (don't think i did with the hamster one, not totally sure though.) i dunno, i don't have anything against bunnies. mainly just squirrels and hamsters. also my cousin's demonic cat.

Ari the Awesome said...

I used to have two gerbils, one was very sweet, and the other was the devil. It bit anyone who went into their cage, and hurt our nice gerbil so bad that it took her two weeks to recover!

However, our ferrets are both awesome. They respond to their name and don't fight to much and are very cute.

I do agree that squirrels are evil, although there was a nice one last year that stayed next to the window for an entire math class and watched the teacher, then left one the bell rang for the next period. I think squirrels are secretly a lot smarter that we think.

On a completely different topic, WE HAVE A SNOW DAY TOMORROW! I'm so excited. Unfortunately, I'm also sick, so there isn't much I can do besides lying around the house and eating soup.

Anonymous said...

I had guinea pigs once, and i'm sure they couldent possibly be evil, they were too busy being cowards.

montana irregulars said...

oh yes, EVIL!!!!!!!!!! I had a post like this sometime last year. Here's the link http://montanairregulars.blogspot.com/2010/04/sinister-bunny-rabbits.html

Anonymous said...

remember Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? in the season 6 musical episode, Once More With Feeling, she sings:

bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes, they've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses, and what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

also, for Halloween (different episode), she dresses up as something scary--a big pink bunny.

Paige turner said...

Ugh y do u hate squirrels I happen to love them

The Narrator said...

Bunnies? Evil? Psh, tell me something I don't know.

The little hellspawn are all over my property. They're even out today, in negative fifteen temperatures! Little demons can withstand anything.

And they gnaw on my garden in the summers like they're starving (and I know for a fact that they're not--they're the fattest little rodents you will ever see in your life). My tomatoes never had a chance. Is nothing sacred?

Also, Robert in San Diego: Probably. Most of them poisonous too, just to compound the whole "The world is ending" problem. Sometimes I just hate wildlife.

Kirsten Miller said...

Narrator: I am soooo looking forward to meeting you.

Ju L. said...

My friend had a bunny named Minnie Margarida. She was having a sleepover at my place and everything was fine, until 2pm. She started crying out of the blue and I asked why but she just wouldn't answer! After like an hour of non-stop crying, she told me she thought something was wrong and said she needed to call home. I passed her the phone, she was desperade! When her mother answered, she told my friend Minnie Margarida just died. WEIRD!

Anonymous said...

Dear Narrator:

I hear you on the little furry garden invaders. Chasing varmints is the only thing that keeps my parents' dog and cat from getting even fatter than they are. Not that they're all that effective: I've seen one squirrel munching away at a deadfall fruit, turn to see my parents' massive Golden Retriever in full charge straight for her/him and turn back to take a couple more bites before scurrying for the fence.

My stepgrandfather several times exclaimed about rabbits: "I understand they need to eat. They're God's Creatures too, but why do they have to take ONE bite out of EACH zucchini? Can't they eat JUST one?" I'm told that when the walnut situation got too bad, slingshots (and ball bearings for ammunition) were often placed in the hands of neighborhood elementary school children. As for what happened after? I'd rather not know.

Anonymous said...

How I Nearly Got Felled By a Rogue Rabbit

by Robert in San Diego

I was riding around San Diego Bay today. I sometimes do crazy stuff like that. What was REALLY crazy was the bunny rabbit that nearly took me out.

I'd just rounded the southern end of the bay and was heading north along the Bay Shore Bike Route, paralleling SR-75 and The Silver Strand State Beach, when a rabbit burst out of a low thicket of lemonadeberry (no, really, that's what it's called!) on my immediate right, and ran just behind my front wheel.

That wasn't all -- for an encore Ms/Mr Bunny kept going, managing to hop just behind the woman heading south, but right in front of the trailer (with child) she was towing.

The only laughable part was the squeal of hard-clamped brakes coming from the trusty steed of the guy riding right behind me. I think he was sure there was going to be a bunny-assisted crash and was doing his best not to get caught in the mayhem.

It was a worrisome ride up to Coronado and the ferry ride back to San Diego's downtown -- the foliage along the Silver Stand Bike Path remains thick enough to hide a bevy of bunnies until you get about where the Naval Amphibious Warfare Training Center is located.

Navy SEALS? Marine Corps fighter jocks? Ill-tempered Coast Guard port security teams? Police and Highway Patrol stations? That National Guard Armory where someone once managed to hotwire and steal a tank? No big deal -- I roll past those all the time, no sweat. It's the furry little animals that frighten me.

Robert in San Diego