Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Adios, Bat Boy
This is a tragic day for journalism. It's been reported that "The World's Only Reliable Newspaper" will soon be closing its doors for good.
Over the past three decades, The Weekly World News has been the only American newspaper with the guts to print the shocking truth . . . that Abraham Lincoln was a woman, Dick Cheney is a robot, Elvis is alive, and mermaids are periodically captured off the coast of Florida. But these days, the paper is perhaps best known for introducing the world to a remarkable young man known as Bat Boy (alias Guy Fledermaus).
Discovered in a cave fifteen years ago, the half-bat, half-human Bat Boy has long been hunted by both scientists and the US government. But being constantly on the run hasn't prevented him from enjoying a full and satisfying life. Since 1992, Bat Boy has engaged in grand theft auto, viciously attacked an Orlando fifth-grader (see what I mean about Florida?), run for governor of California, lived in New York's subway tunnels, bitten Santa Claus, received an art degree, captured Saddam Hussein, and endorsed Al Gore for president.
Now that The Weekly World News is folding, who will chronicle Bat Boy's adventures? Will we be forced to follow Lindsey Lohan's pathetic misadventures instead? Where will we turn for inspiration and guidance?
Fortunately, the WWN hasn't left us completely in the dark. It's website offers a useful guide to future events--all the way to 2022. Here's just a glimpse of what lays in store for us . . .
2008 BUCHAREST, Romania — Vampires realize that the blood of tuna fish suits their macabre nutritional requirements as effectively as human blood. The undead begin lurking near the shores of the Black Sea, sucking fish dry and discreetly throwing their bodies into the water.
2009 BUCHAREST, Romania — An unexpected side effect of the new vampiric diet occurs when the discarded fish themselves return to life as vampires. The fishing industry comes to an abrupt halt while authorities try to capture and kill the thousands of bloodthirsty ‘nosferatuna.’